STILLWATER, Okla. — I have mattress insurance.

Actually, to be more correct, Becca, the wife, and I have mattress insurance. Or, to be even more correcter, the mattress the wife and I sleep on has mattress insurance. It was a Christmas gift from Linda, the mother-in-law.

Because the wife and I are getting older (well, I admit it, anyway), we decided to purchase a new mattress. We went to the place where one purchases a new mattress and tried all of them. ALL. O’. THEM. We were there so long, the people who sell new mattresses thought we were moving in.

Some were fun, especially the ones that react like a giant sponge. We didn’t buy one of those because, as we discovered after only one minute on them, a body sinks itself so far into the sponge that it is a major struggle to get a body out. And a body normally doesn’t feel like a major struggle to start the day, being older and all.

But we did purchase a very nice mattress with a pillow top or something that is nice and cushy and only requires a minor struggle to escape each morning.

We did not initially realize the mattress was approximately 32.7 times taller than our previous mattress. We realized this after it was delivered and Tubby, the cat, tried to jump on top of the bed and hit her head about halfway up the side. It was very funny.

What was even funnier was when the wife suggested I build a ladder for the cat to use to climb on the bed. Funny because: 1. The idea of me helping a cat do anything — other than run away — is ludicrous; 2. The last thing I want is the lard-butt cat climbing on top of me and sinking me deeper into the mattress, and; 3. The only time I do anything that could remotely be called home improvement is when the wife, without asking, destroys some feature of the house she doesn’t like that then must be fixed to make the house whole again.

A cat ladder does not fall under this category.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, mattress insurance. The mother-in-law, who has too much money, purchased a mattress insurance plan for our new mattress. It came with a mattress pad, which has proven quite useful.

For the next 10 years, if we spill something that creates a stain on the mattress, and if we are using the approved mattress pad when said stain occurs, the mattress insurance company will pay for the cleaning. Like many of you, I had no idea mattress insurance existed. Like many of you, I’m not sure it should.

Still, I am sleeping quite well on the new mattress, and maybe it is due to the fact the mattress is insured. Because I am a loving son-in-law, I will give the mother-in-law credit for this.

But, to be honest, what I really need is a catapult to free me from the bed every morning.

Rick Hoover writes for the Stillwater (Okla.) Newspress.